


Recovery

by StygiusCantus



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self Loathing, Spoilers for the finale of SU: Future, Suicidal Thoughts, it's basically pure self indulgence, of seeing everyone start to heal, warning for later mentions of:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23366275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StygiusCantus/pseuds/StygiusCantus
Summary: Recovery took time. Steven was starting to learn that.What took place between "I Am My Monster" and "The Future."
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Comments: 109
Kudos: 558





	1. Rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From the minds of everyone during the end of "I Am My Monster."

“When I fell apart, you were there for me. I want to be there for _you_ now.” 

Even with the monstrous Steven roaring and thrashing in her grasp, Garnet held her ground, hugging the beast tightly. All this time, Steven was hurting, and no one was ever there for him like he was them. He felt that responsibility to be strong for everyone, to bury and bury his feelings to not burden anyone, because his feelings didn’t _matter._

But they did. And they were going to _prove that_ to him.

[In there was the boy who never failed to make her smile, whose spontaneity and maturity surpassed even her clairvoyance. The boy who had tried so hard to be a Crystal Gem, whose demise she would see over and over again, who she swore to protect with her very life. The boy who used to look up to her, and now was the one that she looked up to. The boy who snapped her out of her own anger, the boy who reminded her of what she was made of. The boy who dealt with all of her, separate or together, the one who planned and executed and officiated the happiest day of her life.]

“I’m here, Steven. _I’m here.”_

Steven still struggled against her hold, but his movements slowed, and his eyes widened.

Lapis gasped. “Is it working? Can you hear us?! _Steven!”_ Lapis flew towards Steven and did her best to wrap her arms around him. 

[The boy who was the first being to ever treat her like a person in centuries. The boy who freed her from her prison, who healed her gem and made her feel whole again. The boy who was the first friend she made on this planet, the person she imprisoned herself once more to protect. The boy who was the first person to ever give her a choice, to listen to her, to ask what _she_ wanted. The boy who helped give her a new home, a new _chance,_ a new _life._ ]

A teary-eyed Blue Diamond and Yellow Diamond both approached Steven, with Blue nuzzling his one shoulder and Yellow resting her forehead on his other. White Diamond followed after, but she only rested a supportive hand on his arm with a sheepish smile, unsure if she was making things better or worse by being there.

[The boy who had been their beloved Pink Diamond, the boy who grew beyond Pink into Steven, the boy who liberated Homeworld and turned it from a crackling shell of fake perfection into a true thriving world. The boy who gave them a nasty look at themselves, who made them realize the tyrannical beings they had been, who, even in his fear and anger towards them, gave them a chance. The boy who brought their family together again, who made them finally talk, who gave them incentive to be _better_ , the boy who changed their minds.]

Floating from one of Blue Diamond’s clouds came Bismuth and Peridot, both of whom jumped and landed splayed-out on the monster-Steven’s chest, hugging him as tight as they could. Soon following them was Pearl, Amethyst, and Greg, who (despite the latter being scared out of his wits to jump that distance, but this was for Steven, _this was for Steven!)_ did the same, landing on the enlarged Garnet’s arms and pressing themselves to Steven’s body.

Spinel stretched her arms to pull them all together into a group hug.

[The boy who was the son of Pink, who was all that remained of her, but who wasn’t her. The boy that still gave her that chance to change, and who she still hurt when he was trying to find the same help that he gave her. That boy who helped her find a chance to love again.]

Bismuth couldn’t speak. She was too horrified, too heartbroken, for words, and she could only do her best to hug Steven and hope that an embrace could say more than she could.

[The boy who was the son of her best friend, her leader, her killer, her enemy. The boy who became better than Rose, who was the leader of the Crystal Gems, who gave her another chance despite her nearly killing him. The boy who took Rose’s legacy and created something beautiful with it. The boy who gave her a new home, who reunited her with her family, who she trusted enough to confide in her hidden feelings for Pearl. The boy who inspired her and so many others, who embodied what it meant to be a Crystal Gem. The boy who would carry the star even to his last breath.]

“I’m here, Schtu-ball!” Greg shouted the words through his tears, shouted at the top of his lungs. “Whatever you need, I’ll make it happen! You hear me?!”

[The boy who was his son, his life. The boy who he raised from infancy, who reminded him so much of his mother and yet still was his own. The boy who had stars in his eyes the first time he ever picked up a ukelele, the boy who wrote songs and sang about anything and everything because music was in his blood. The boy who Greg was so immensely proud of, and who he had failed time and time again. Not this time.]

“Steven!” Peridot could only see a vague pink shape through the tears in her eyes, but she didn’t care. “You never gave up on me for reasons I don’t understand! _I’ll do the same for you!”_

[The boy who showed her kindness and empathy, even as she kept herself closed-off. The boy who helped her find herself, find the beauty in life. The boy who showed her what it was like when it rains, what it was like to watch life grow and prosper, what it was like to want to love things. The boy who risked his life with hers to save a planet both had grown to love. The boy who, even after being hurt by her so many times, never fully thought she was beyond being good.]

Amethyst could only barely choke back her own tears enough to speak. “I know you feel bad! Believe me... I get it! Sometimes it feels like you're never gonna like yourself, but…” She took a moment to swallow the lump in her throat. “It's _possible_ , man!”

[The boy who was her brother in all but blood, the boy who always laughed and ate with her and cheated with her at Funland games. The boy who helped her realize that neither of them were ‘worst gems,’ who helped her create a foundation of her own self-worth. The boy who did everything he could to help her, even fight her, as long as it meant helping her. The boy who she knew had something going on but didn’t push it because she wanted to respect his space. The boy who didn’t judge her for where she came from, who showed her unconditional love no matter what.]

Pearl did her best to hug Steven tightly, her eyes just as watery as the others. “Steven, I know how awful it feels to keep a part of yourself secret! You shouldn't have to hide _anything_ from me!”

[The boy who held his mother’s gem, the boy who was so much like her. The boy who was so forgiving and kind, who almost never held Pearl’s subconscious resentment of him against her. The boy that Pearl had treated as an extension of his mother for far, far too long, and completely missed the fact that Steven was Steven, and no one else. The boy who was excited about music and learning, who was curious and open, who was so impossibly strong in every way. The boy who risked everything to protect her and their family. The boy who was there for her whenever she fell into pieces, and who she was going to be there now to do the same.]

The monstrous Steven was now still, the anger within him slowly turning to confusion. From the water came the hand of the Cluster, which carefully sat in Steven’s claws.

[The boy who talked to them, who helped them rest, who gave even their tens of thousands of fractured minds some feeling of wholeness.]

A pink portal appear above Steven’s head, and with a yell, Connie leapt off of Lion and landed right on his snout. Glowing eyes fixed on her as she fearlessly walked up to his face and rested her head and hand against his. Her touch was gentle against rough scales.

“Steven…” Connie’s eyes grew misty as she finally, finally got to talk to him face-to-face about this. “You must have been _so_ afraid to show us this side of yourself.” Tears rolled down her cheeks, dripping onto the scale she stood on. But we're not going anywhere. We're all gonna take care of you the same way you take care of us.”

[The boy who saved her life and almost killed her the same day, who fixed her eyesight on accident, who became her first ever friend and continues to be her closest one. The boy whose smile and energy never ceased in lighting up her darkest day, who helped her learn to dance regardless of who saw, who was one half of their whole experience. The boy who let her talk about her interests without judgment, and to who she did the same in return. The boy whose hand fit perfectly within hers, whose embraces slowly began to make her stomach flip over the years, whose gentle touch suddenly made all of her nerves come alive in the best way possible. The boy who was the shield to her sword, the biscuit to her strawberry, the heart to her logic. The boy who she loved with all her heart.]

Connie let out a weak giggle as she let the tears freely fall. “You know what? I don’t have your powers, but…”

She pressed a soft kiss to Steven’s face…

\---

Steven didn’t know how long he cried. It still didn’t feel like enough.

His friend and family all sat with him as he buried his face in Lion’s mane and sobbed. They didn’t say anything, nor did they move. They only sat there with relieved tears, only touching him after asking if it was okay to. (Even White did--somehow that surprised Steven the most. Even after she saw that awful, awful thought, she was thinking of _his_ comfort.) He clung to Connie, Greg, and Garnet--the closest three at the time--and he could only choke out “I’m sorry”s in between his shuddering sobs.

Greg held him close, resting his head on top of Steven’s. “You don’t have to apologize, Steven… _we_ should be the ones apologizing to _you._ ”

Garnet touched her visor, and it vanished in a flash, revealing that her multicolored eyes were also filled with tears. “Steven--you’ve always been there for us. You’ve been there at our lowest moments, and have done so, so much for us.”

Since Steven woke up, Connie had been trying to hold back her own tears, but hearing Steven’s shaky apologies made her mask crack. She pressed her face into Steven’s shoulder, arms wrapped tightly around him. “Steven - we’re so sorry. Y-you were hurting, a-and you needed support, and we didn’t give it to you.”

“We’re here for you, Steven.” Garnet kissed the top of his head. “We always will be. And we’re going to make sure that you know that.”

Hearing those words only made Steven cry harder, but perhaps those tears weren’t just those of sorrow and remorse now.

The rest of the day was a blur. He remembers vaguely being carried by Garnet out of the ocean, and he remembered reaching out and lightly touching the fingertip of the Cluster’s hand as a ‘thank you’ to them. He remembered Greg staying close to Garnet and Steven the whole time. He remembered Pearl helping him drink some water. He remembered giggling a bit at Amethyst eating the empty bottle. He remembered feeling Connie’s hand in his.

He remembered the feeling of being laid down on something soft, of being wrapped in something warm. He can’t remember exactly, but he didn’t think Connie ever let go of his hand. Someone kissed him on the forehead as his consciousness slipped away.

Steven Universe let his burning eyes close, and for the first time in ages, he let himself take some well-deserved rest.


	2. Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven and his family finally talk.

Everything was muffled when Steven awoke.

His body felt sluggish, as though he was made of wet concrete, and sounds only come out in a tired  _ groooooan. _ His face felt swollen, but not like the pink-swelling. No, this felt more like a ‘I was crying for five hours and now my sinuses are blowing up like balloons’ type of swelling. His head felt so incredibly  _ heavy, _ and his eyes squeezed shut the moment that light hit them.

Sounds felt amplified--the gulls squawking outside, the waves crashing against the sand, the… breathing in the room? Steven finally shifted his head and cracked open his eyes, and the blood rushed to his face.

Connie was asleep next to him, still fully dressed, like she had just walked outside and collapsed onto his bed. It looked like she had been sitting up, but fell asleep unintentionally. A pillow was placed between her shoulder and her head, though probably not by her, judging by the awkward position she was in. And, seeing that she still had her fingers interlocked with his, it seemed that in all that time, she still hadn’t let go of him.

A deep yawn sounded behind her, followed by the sound of shifting. Lion was pressed up against the bed, also soundly asleep. Through his bone-deep exhaustion, Steven scrounged up the energy to smile a bit before nestling back into his comforter. He had so many questions, so many worries swimming through his foggy brain, but he was just so  _ tired… _

\---

He must have drifted off, because the next time he opened his eyes, Connie was sitting upright, wide awake and reading something on her phone. Steven stirred, catching Connie’s attention, and she gasped and smiled.

“Steven!” Steven winced at the volume of his name, and his (free) hand when up to his head. Connie flinched before smiling sheepishly. “Oh - sorry!” Her voice dropped to a hushed tone. “It’s just - you’re awake!” She dropped her phone on the bed before reaching out her hand, only to hesitate. Her expression softened, eyes asking him,  _ is it okay if I touch you? _ But Steven very clearly answered that by throwing his arms around Connie and hugging her tight, an embrace that she returned in kind. (It was around then that they finally let go of each other’s hands in order to better hug the other.)

“C--Connie, I-I--” Steven’s voice was hoarse and crackling, and Connie calmly shushed him.

“If you’re about to apologize, don’t. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

“Did - did I--?”

“You didn’t hurt anyone, either. Everyone’s okay. This isn’t about us right now. This is about  _ you, _ Steven.”

“I-I… I can barely remember anything… I-I was talking to you guys, a--and I couldn’t  _ stop, _ and it just all - went... dark.” Steven buried his face in Connie’s shoulder, and Connie placed a comforting hand on the back of his head. “I-I was just… I-I don’t even  _ know, _ I was just…!”

“It’s okay if you don’t know.” Connie tried to ignore the hot pricks of tears behind her eyes at seeing her best friend in this state. He was pale, trembling, fragile. Like the slightest breeze would break him completely. She had seen him in rough states before, even near death, but this just felt so… different. Not even when they had fused and unfused in the air as Steven tried to deal with his guilt did he look like this. There was just something so…  _ hollow _ about the look in his eye, and it made Connie’s heart break. “It’s still okay to  _ feel. _ ”

Steven made a non-committal noise, and though he still held Connie tight, his grip relaxed a bit to get a more comfortable tension.

“Can… can we just stay like this a while?” He felt so guilty for asking--he was taking Connie away from her work, her life--but he just  _ needed _ someone right now. Someone to just hold him tight, remind him that he’s here and in his own flesh-and-blood body, and not in the blazing inferno of anger held together by pink scales. The pressure grounded him, and kept him focused enough on the feeling to ignore everything else, at least for now.

Connie smiled and adjusted herself, bringing the two of them to the back of the bed and letting them lean more comfortably against the shelves. “Of course we can.”

They did. They sat in each other’s arms, silent, for who knows how long. The only thing that broke up the silence was the snuffling of Lion as he poked his nose between the two to lick Steven’s face, and the resulting giggling of Steven and Connie.

At one point, Steven groaned again, eyes tightly shut as they pressed a bit harder against Connie’s shoulder. Connie raised a brow.

“Are you okay?”

“Y--yeah, it’s - it’s fine--”

“Steven.”

“... I’ve got a headache. Pretty bad.”

“How long have you had it?”

“... Since I woke up?” It was a question, apparently.

Connie finally broke the embrace and held Steven at arms’ length, and Steven braced himself for scolding. Though Connie let out an exasperated sigh, she looked more…  _ sad _ than anything.

“I’ll get you some aspirin and water. Everyone else is downstairs, I think--do you want to see them?”

Steven shrank, shoulders rolling in and eyes unable to look up at Connie. “... N--not yet. Not until this headache goes away.”

Her soft smile returned, and she carefully made her way out of the bed as to not shake Steven too hard. “I’ll let them know you’re awake, but want to wait to see them until you feel a bit better. I’ll be right back.” Already he missed the feel of her arms, the feeling of pure safety that she gave him, but her smile assured him that she would be back. (He didn’t have much time to think on it, anyway, since Lion decided to poke his nose at Steven’s chest and give him a few comforting licks. Steven made a mental note to get him some Lion Lickers later.)

Connie returned with a bottle of water and aspirin, along with some toast that Pearl  _ insisted _ that he eat after expending so much energy. Steven didn’t realize how  _ hungry _ he was until he ate a bit, but by the time he finished, he and Connie had already snuggled up together again, and Steven really didn’t feel like moving.

\---

Pearl’s phone buzzed, and she opened the message from Connie with a quirked brow.

_ Steven fell asleep on me  _

_ Help _

Pearl giggled, and she shot back:

_ We will leave you two to rest. _

Another buzz.

_ PEARL!!! _

“What’s goin’ on?” Amethyst shoved her face near Pearl’s phone to catch a glimpse of her texts, but Pearl put her phone in sleep mode with a small smile.

“I think it’s going to be a couple more hours. Steven fell back asleep.”

\---

Steven both was and wasn’t expecting the Crystal Gems to tackle him when he finally went downstairs.

After waking up again (this time in Connie’s arms but the two definitely weren’t going to talk about that at all ever), he finally put on some fresh clothes and went downstairs. His stomach dropped seeing the giant hole ripped in the front of the house--he had to have caused that. When he--

“ _ STEVEN!” _

One, two, four bodies suddenly came rushing at him, and Steven found himself wrapped in four pairs of arms from the Crystal Gems and his dad. Already Steven could feel the tears welling up again.

“... H-hey guys.”

After everyone had sufficiently squeezed the life out of Steven, they slowly let go, but didn’t go far. With the newfound space, Pearl held Steven’s face in her hands, looking all over him for any visible scars of corruption.

“Steven - how do you feel? No spikes? No scales?” She carefully pat the top of Steven’s head, immediately jumping back upon feeling a bump (and causing Steven to hiss in pain). “Oh stars, you have a small horn left on your head, I think we can--”

“No, Pearl, I think that’s just a bump on my head.”

“Oh.” Her hands went back to his face, and Amethyst, Garnet, and Connie all stood by her, each with equal expressions of concern. “Steven… do you feel ready to talk?”

Someone grabbed his shoulder and pulled him into a side-hug, and Steven recognized that figure anywhere. “Steven…” Greg’s voice was soft. “We want to help you. Like you’ve helped all of us. You can tell us anything, and we promise that we won’t judge.”

No, he wasn’t ready. He was never going to be ready. He already spilled his guts to them, showed them the awful person he had become, and he still wasn’t ready to talk about it. But he knew that if he didn’t talk about it now, then he was never going to, and he’d start spiraling all over again. Whether he was ready or not, he knew what had to be done.

So he talked. Greg and Connie sat on either side of him while the Gems stood in front, and he talked.

“I-I’ve been… I’ve been completely losing myself lately. I don’t even know who  _ I am _ anymore. Everything just… got so out-of-control, and I thought I could  _ fix it, _ but I  _ couldn’t. _ I’m supposed to be able to fix things, aren’t I?! I can’t control these powers, I don’t have a grip on anything around me anymore…”

Amethyst opened her mouth to say something, but Garnet put a hand on her shoulder. “Say everything you feel, Steven. We won’t stop you. We’ll wait until you’re done to talk about it. Right now, just let everything go.”

Let everything go… Steven swallowed back the tears--his eyes felt fuzzy from so much crying--and he rested his elbows on his knees. Greg put a comforting hand on his back.

“... I - I’m  _ scared. _ ” Words were quiet, ashamed, breaking. “I-I’m scared that everyone’s going to leave because they don’t - they don’t  _ need _ me anymore, because there’s n-nothing to fix anymore, because I’m just s-so  _ pathetic _ that if there isn’t something to fix I can’t be a friend”--The words become more and more frantic the longer he speaks, raising in volume and speed the more he spoke-- “I’m scared of these powers, I don’t know where they came from a-and I keep breaking things and  _ hurting _ people, I-I’m scared of looking at myself and seeing  _ diamonds in my eyes, _ I’m scared that I’m going to hurt people again like I hurt Connie, o-or Dad, or Jasper, I’m scared of these thoughts that I keep getting of  _ hurting _ people and hurting  _ myself _ , I’m--”

Steven’s voice broke, and he pressed the heels of his hands against his watering eyes.

“... I’m scared of  _ me _ .”

The air was heavy and still as Steven’s words hung in the air. Greg was the first to move; he waited a moment for Steven’s silent permission, and he pulled his son into a hug. Steven pressed his face into Greg’s chest.

“... You done talking, kiddo? Or do you just need a minute?”

Steven’s muffled voice came up. “I’m done.”

His words had brought tears to everyone’s eyes as well. Amethyst sniffed and, carefully, approached Steven.

“Steven… we’re not going anywhere.” She hesitated a moment before putting a hand on Steven’s shoulder. He didn’t react to it; not negatively or positively. “We’re always gonna need you, man! So what if there’s no problems to solve? We need you here because you’re  _ Steven _ and we  _ love you _ or something!”

“Amethyst is right.” Pearl sniffed and wiped her eyes before kneeling on the ground in front of the sitting Steven. “Whether there is or isn’t anything to fix, we will  _ always _ want you here, Steven.”

Steven shifted so that one of his eyes was visible. “... Really?” He felt ridiculous asking, but he wanted to hear it again. He  _ needed _ to hear it again. Confirmation that they’re not leaving. Confirmation that they want him there for him.

“Of course!” Connie reached over and held one of Steven’s hands in both of hers; he let her. “You’re Steven! We love you for  _ you! _ You’ve always been there for us whenever we needed it… and now we want to be there for you, too, when you need it.”

Garnet removed her visor and smiled down at Steven, each of her eyes wet with tears. “Steven. We don’t love you because of what you can give us. We love you because you’re Steven. We love you because you make us smile, and we love making you smile.” Her smile faltered. “I’m sorry that we haven’t shown that to you lately. We should have.”

“It’s--” Steven sniffed. “I-it’s okay, guys--”

“No it’s not!” Just about everyone was surprised by Connie’s voice raising, and she held Steven’s hand tighter. “It’s not okay! And you’re allowed to say that it isn’t okay. It’s okay that something  _ isn’t _ okay. Your feelings  _ matter, _ Steven.”

Steven finally pulled back from Greg to face Connie; his eyes were dull and so, so tired. Words once more came out as a wavering whisper.

“... Then why can’t I believe you?”

Connie pulled Steven into a hug of her own, one that Steven, after a moment, returned. Tears rolled down Connie’s cheeks. “It - it takes time, Steven. It takes time and work to believe that.” She would know. Oh, would she. She had been the same way. Everything else mattered. Her grades mattered because they kept her parents happy. Her various activities mattered because she was told they did. Never mind that some of those things she just didn’t like, or that she was burned out from. Not that she knew at the time that it was burnout; she never even considered her feelings at the time. The boy right in front of her was the first to consider how  _ she _ felt.

Now, she was going to do the same for him.

“I’m here with you through it, no matter what happens. And you might need help--professional help. And that’s okay. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Whatever needs to happen so that you can feel better.”

“... Mm-hm.” Well, it was better than no acknowledgement at all. Pearl rested a hand on Steven’s knee, and he broke the embrace with Connie to face her.

“Steven…” Pearl shifted uncomfortably as she thought how to word this. “... Like Greg said, there’s no judgment here, but… You mentioned something about  _ shattering _ Jasper?”

Steven instantly recoiled, as though burned, and his voice turned small. “I - I didn’t mean--!”

“N-no, no, Steven, I’m not blaming you for anything!” Pearl cupped Steven’s cheeks again and lifted his face up. He was too tired to fight it. “We just want to know what happened so we know how to help you.”

There was no use hiding it from them. They already knew. Amethyst and Garnet hovered over Pearl’s shoulders, eyes wide with concern.

Steven took a breath.

“... W--when I ran, I… I went to Jasper. It - it was the last place anyone would think to look for me, s-so… she said a lot about channeling her anger into power, a-and I thought she could help me control my Diamond powers, but I-I - she would only do it if we h-had a fight, so when we did - I-I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to  _ shatter _ her, I just  _ stopped holding back _ and--”

“Easy, Steven.” Garnet kept her voice level. “Take some breaths. It sounds like it was an accident.”

“B-but I  _ shattered _ her!” Tears flowed freely from Steven’s eyes again, and his throat felt raw from crying. “Mom never shattered anyone! You guys never shattered anyone!  _ Crystal Gems don’t shatter people!  _ **_Diamonds do!"_ **

“Steven…” Pearl wiped away Steven’s tears with her thumbs, even as he tried (and very quickly gave up on trying) to shy away from her touch. “You always have been, and always will be a Crystal Gem. You never  _ intended _ to shatter anyone. And the moment it happened, you put her back together. A Diamond would have wanted to shatter someone on purpose, and then would have left them there.”

Another sniff. “... What about those thoughts, then? Those thoughts about - about shattering White Diamond? When - when she let me take over her body, I-I… I saw myself as a Diamond, a-and… and I remembered everything she did, and I just got so  _ angry, _ and I  _ saw _ me moving her toward a pillar…!” Shivers ran across his body, and he shut his eyes tight. “I-it - it felt so  _ real, _ even though it wasn’t. Even if just for a second, I just - I actually wanted to  _ shatter her. _ ”

Connie bit her lip a moment, before her eyes lit up in realization. “Steven… those sound like intrusive thoughts.” 

Steven turned to her, Pearl’s hands falling from his face. “... Intrusive thoughts?”

Connie nodded. “Yeah - they’re thoughts that people get, especially when stressed. They’re thoughts that are… dark. Really dark. They go so many places that you never thought your mind would ever go. They can involve anyone--especially people that you know. And they’re really  _ scary _ for a lot of people.”

Steven’s throat tightened up. “... There’s… there’s a  _ name _ for them?”

Connie smiled sadly and took Steven’s hands again. “There is. Having intrusive thoughts doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean that you’re actually going to  _ do _ any of those thoughts. Now it's just a matter of coping with them.”

Steven was quiet. There was an odd sensation settling over his chest, almost like… relief? It was something heavy and light, hot and cold, and he couldn’t quite place what it was.

After a few moments of holding Connie’s hand, Steven whispered again.

“... I think I need help.”

Greg smiled and squeezed Steven’s shoulder. “Then we’ll make it happen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter hit differently for me and i'm Sad but also it was very cathartic
> 
> also holy shit this very quickly became my most popular story and i have no idea how to react  
> other than to say thank you? i'm really glad that you guys liked it so much? holy shit??  
> (also for anyone who read my su/hk fic i May or May Not be planning a multi-chapter thing w/ that idea, wInK WiNk)
> 
> anyway take care of yourselves everyone <3


	3. Rebuild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The days after his meltdown are slow and monotonous, but things are beginning to be rebuilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [trigger warning for: more graphic depictions of intrusive thoughts. no gore or anything; nothing worse than the imagery of steven possessing white in 'homeworld bound,' but still violent. please be careful everyone. <3]

The days following Steven’s meltdown all blended together.

Not that he was actually awake for the majority of it. He was just so _tired._ He’d wake up in the middle of the night after sleeping for twelve hours, and then fall asleep only to wake up at noon. Moving his body took much more effort than he thought worth it, and even then it was only at others’ insistence. Pearl would pop in and constantly check that Steven had had something to eat or drink, and the only other time he would get up was to go to the bathroom. Greg, Amethyst, and Garnet would check on him, too, but they wouldn’t stay for long. Others tried to visit him--Lapis, Peridot, Bismuth, even Spinel--but he didn’t want to see them. He just didn’t have the energy.

Steven barely talked. He just didn’t have the energy. Most of his responses were one-word answers or uncertain grunts. If he was lucky, then he could manage two words. Once he even said three. He felt bad, knowing that more coherent thoughts and more friendly behavior would be comforting to his family, but he just… _couldn’t._ There was just nothing he could pull from. The only times he really talked were when Connie visited, and that was mostly because he felt bad about her taking the time out of her busy schedule to come see him, and he didn’t want to waste her time.

His room grew messier. Takeout boxes and dirty dishes, rumpled clothes in uneven piles on the floor. A room normally so clean looked more like Amethyst’s room than any human room should. (Well, maybe it wasn’t _that_ bad, but it definitely felt like it to Steven.) It had only been a few days, but so much clutter can pile up in that time. There was always a pit of shame in his stomach whenever someone came in and saw the state of his room, but Steven insisted he would clean it himself when he got the energy. (Whether that _would_ happen, though…)

His body felt hot and sluggish, like there was some thin film around his entire body, slowing him down and making him feel completely foreign in his own body. His brain was foggy, and sometimes he would end up spacing out, only for something to snap him back to reality and make him realize that four hours had passed. Sometimes everything was too loud; sometimes everything was distant and muffled.

This is all your fault.

Sometimes Steven would lay in bed and just listen to Bismuth, Crazy Lace Agate, and Biggs Jasper rebuild the front of the house. The thudding of the hammer seemed to resonate in his skull, and part of him wondered if it wasn’t some sort of karmic punishment.

If you could just control yourself for once, then maybe none of this would have happened.

At one point, he fell asleep and awoke to see Greg and Pearl messing with the cracked windows. He thought, anyway. He went asleep immediately after, so who knows? Maybe he dreamt the whole thing.

You put everyone in danger. You could have killed someone. You _did_ kill someone. And you fantasized about killing someone else.

Steven wondered if getting this amount of sleep was healthy. Probably not. But he was too tired to care.

You’re disgusting. A sadist. You LIKED fighting Jasper.

No, I didn’t, I was j

You were having fun. You were laughing. You were having the time of our life, being able to even slightly push yourself. What happens when you lose control again? Who will you kill next time?

No, no, I’m not thinking about this, I’m NOT thinking about th

Maybe you’ll be roughhousing with Amethyst before she makes you angry, and you punch through her Gem like glass. Maybe you’ll finally snap at Pearl for something that happened thousands of years ago and break her so badly that not even the Reef could restore her. Maybe you’ll get in a fight with Garnet and trap her like you did Jasper, but you’ll tear her apart so Ruby and Sapphire can watch as you

“Steven? You awake, kiddo?”

Steven groaned and sat up in bed, pushing back some of his knotted curls. “Mm..?” Greg stood at the top of the stairs, car keys in hand.

“It’s time to go, remember?”

“Oh… oh, yeah, right, sorry. I think I just… nodded off a bit.” Greg went back downstairs, and for the first time in days, Steven put on a fresh set of clothes (huh… strange how it made him feel. Just having clean clothes on made him feel… different. A good different) and followed his dad.

By then, the front of the house had been repaired. Though it looked good as new at first glance, the slight misalignment of the wood and the very slight discoloration showed that something had happened. No Gems were downstairs, fortunately, so Greg and Steven went out into the Dondai and headed off.

The initial first few minutes were quiet, with Steven staring out the window and idly tapping his thigh. Greg drove silently, not turning on any tapes or even turning on the radio.

“... So, after this…” Steven finally cut through the thick silence with a few wary words. “... I’ll be heading there on my own?”

“If that’s what you’re okay with. They just want me to head there so I can fill out some other paperwork. You know, the real fun stuff.”

Do they know you’re a freak of nature?

“Do they know about… y’know, Gem stuff?”

“Don’t worry about that, Steven. It took a bit, but I managed to get someone who was already kind of familiar with Gem stuff.”

Steven blinked. “Really?”

Greg nodded, the smile that had been absent from his face for a while returning. “Yeah! They don’t know too much, they said, but they seemed to be really interested in learning more. I think you’ll like them! They were pretty nice over the phone.”

“Huh…” That was… more than Steven was expecting, at least. He was expecting a lot of awkward conversations about the world of Gems, but that at least made things a _little_ bit easier.

Unless they think you’re a tyrant like the other Diamonds.

He really wished he could just switch off his brain.

They pulled up to the clinic, and Steven and Greg sat next to each other as both of them filled out the necessary forms. Steven’s hand shook as he wrote, though whether that was from nerves or weakness, he couldn’t tell.

“Steven Universe?”

He jumped at the sound of his name, and a tall, lanky figure stood before him. The most prominent trait was their ankle-length, sandy-brown hair, followed next by dress pants and a simple blazer. They looked rather young, and their stance was relaxed. Maybe it was from never actually seeing _real_ doctors before, but he was expecting something like a lab coat, or maybe a turtleneck sweater. He definitely wasn’t expecting someone young, nor someone who seemed so _comfortable_ in that kind of office space.

But nonetheless, he smiled wearily up at them. “Y--yeah, that’s me.”

They smiled and held out a hand, one that Steven shook after standing up from his chair. “It’s wonderful to meet you! My name’s Dr. Sumio. I believe I talked with your father on the phone?”

Greg chuckled and stood as well, waving sheepishly. “That’d be me.”

Dr. Sumio’s smile never faded as they shook Greg’s hand as well. “It’s nice to meet you in person, Mr. Universe.” They turned back to Steven, before their eyes lit up in realization. “Oh - here, I can take those forms.”

“Oh, uh - thank you.”

“So, if you would just follow me to my office, you can get situated, and we’ll get started.”

“O-oh… yeah.”

Greg placed a hand on Steven’s shoulder and gave it an encouraging squeeze. “I’ll be back for you in an hour, kiddo. You’ve got this.”

Somehow, Steven managed a smile--a small one, but genuine nonetheless. “... Thanks, Dad.”

Steven followed behind Dr. Sumio through the carpeted halls of the clinic, and he was further surprised by how… _homey_ it looked. There were a few hall tables with old lamps sitting on them, some framed paintings up on the walls and pictures on the tables (he’s swear he’s seen one of those images as a stock photo before), and even some of the doors were decorated a bit, either with pictures or stickers or even a child’s drawing.

The same held true for Dr. Sumio’s office. Though there were a couple bookshelves lined with psychology books, and a desk with all kinds of papers across it, the rest of the office was decorated much more colorfully. A wooden coffee table sat in front of the desk, with fuzzy black loveseats on either side. On the table was a variety of little toys, some of which Connie owned: spinners, cubes, tangle toys, a small tray of sand with various utensils, rolling beads. More of them in different colors and sizes were lined up on the bookshelf, and a couple bean bag chairs were tucked away in the corner.

Steven must have been staring for longer than he thought, because he heard Dr. Sumio chuckle warmly. “I see both children and adolescents, especially ones that are neuroatypical, so I keep a lot of fidgets handy. You’re free to use any of them and switch them out at any time--they can help relax you or keep you focused.”

Steven waved a hand. “O-oh, no, it’s fine, I don’t…”

Dr. Sumio got an understanding look in their eye. “It’s not childish to play with these. There are plenty of adults who use these. If it helps them, why shouldn’t they use it?”

“If it helps them, huh…”

It IS childish. You’re nearly an adult. Grow the hell up.

“So, Steven - I’ll run you through what the therapy process is like and answer any questions you have before we start. That sound alright?”

Eyeing the tangle toy, Steven closed the door to Dr. Sumio’s office behind him.

“... Yeah. It does.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a shorter chapter but important nonetheless, next chapter gets fuckin Wild so  
> (also dr. sumio is my one twewy ocs that i snuck in here bc im self-indulgent garbage)


	4. Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven and Greg talk.

“Um… hey, Dad? Could I… talk to you for a bit?”

It had been a month since Steven had first started seeing Dr. Sumio. Three long, draining weeks. At first it felt like nothing was going to change. Like talking about his feelings and his past just made him feel more exhausted. It felt like complaining. It felt like he was just whining about stuff that didn’t matter.

Dr. Sumio was patient with him. They told him that his experiences _were_ hard and left an impact on him, and that it was _okay_ to think that. That it was… _okay_ to admit that he was hurt, that those situations had hurt him, that those long-lasting aspects of his life had left lasting impressions. Even when he went pink, they barely even flinched.

But they had also listened to him about his guilt over hurting others, over hurting _so many people_ that mattered to him, and they started to help him understand why he felt the way he felt. Feelings that he had about himself and others that were once formless blobs now had names: resentment, regret, ungratefulness, fear, burnout. It wasn’t just anger towards his mother, it was resentment and hurt. It wasn’t just some vivid fantasy of wanting to shatter White Diamond, it was an intrusive thought feeding off of his fear and anger. It wasn’t just exhaustion with helping others, it was burnout.

And his dad…

Greg, who was wiping off the windows of the reconstructed van, set down the rag and tilted his head. “Sure, kiddo. Everything okay?”

Steven stiffened and rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh - yeah. Yeah, no, it’s f--” He stopped himself, and took a breath. “I just want to talk to you about… uh, y’know. That night where we went to your parents’ house.”

Greg’s expression turned concerned, and he nodded and opened up the back of the van. “Yeah. We can just sit here--”

“--Can we sit inside?” The words came out before Steven could stop them. “I just… This is a private conversation, you know?”

“You got it.” The two climbed into the back of the van and closed the doors behind them. Steven sat across from Greg, knees pulled up to his chest and eyes on the floor. “So… what did you want to talk about?”

Steven was quiet a moment, before he sighed. “... The whole thing. I… I wanted to say that I’m sorry. For everything.”

All the introspection of therapy was making Steven think, and he was starting to realize that he really _hadn’t_ considered his father’s perspective. The forced haircut, the miserable photos, the unopened letters…

You fucked up. You fucked up _badly_. How could he ever forgive you after you nearly killed him?

We don’t know that. We know we did wrong. That’s why we’re going to talk.

Greg blinked once, twice, in surprise. “Sorry?"

“I… I didn’t think about how you felt. I was… really stuck in my own head.” Steven scratched the back of his head, unable to lift his gaze to look at his father. “I was so focused on the stuff that _I_ didn’t have that _you_ did, that I didn’t think about what _you_ didn’t have that _I_ did.”

“Steven…” Greg reached out to rest a hand on Steven’s shoulder, but the boy flinched under his touch. Still, Steven didn’t fight it. “... No, you were right. Every time Gem stuff happened, I always ran the other way. And I _should_ have given you a bit more structure as a kid.”

Steven curled up further into himself.

What do I say? There’s so much. There’s so much that I _want_ to say, but how do I say it? How can I

One thing at a time. Take things one thing at a time.

“That… was one of the reasons I was upset. It…” Steven’s throat tightened, but he forced the words out. “... It felt like the way you raised me was more to get back at your parents than what was actually _good_ for me.”

Greg’s eyes went wide, and Steven could _see_ his heart sink. “Oh, Steven…”

Now look at what you’ve done. You just made him feel worse. But maybe he _should_ . He _should_ feel bad.

Stop stop stop

Deep breaths. In. Out.

Greg continued. “... I’m so sorry that I made you feel that way. I… I never meant to make you think that I didn’t--” He blinked the tears out of his eyes and sniffed. “--that I didn’t _care._ I was so lenient on you _because_ I cared! I wanted you to be _you!_ But - but I went too far, a-and it just ended up hurting you!”

It did. You hurt me. _Everyone did._

Quiet. No one’s fully right here.

Steven’s eyes stung, and he pressed his palm against one of his eyes. “Like - you just let me have free reign, and you never told me about your family! I didn’t even know if they were _alive,_ but they were _right there!”_

Pink flared in his vision, even with his eyes closed, and Steven felt the adrenaline shoot through his body. Panic gripped his heart, and he squeezed his eyes shut--

In for four seconds. Hold for seven. Out for eight.

Greg instinctively took his hand from Steven’s shoulder, afraid that touching him would make it worse. But after a minute or two of silence, the pink faded from Steven’s skin, though his face remained flushed red. 

Steven folded his arms on his knees. “... Sorry for scaring you.”

Of course you scared him. You scared everyone. You’re a

No. We’re not using that word. We need to get back on track somehow.

What track? There was no track. This conversation is so fucking broken!

“Don’t apologize - I just didn’t know if you wanted to be touched.” Greg hesitantly scooted closer to Steven, who didn’t reject the closeness. “Steven… why don’t you just tell me everything on your mind? Tell me everything you felt about that night.”

Steven took a breath again. “... Okay. I… it felt like you telling me that I was ‘better off’ was like…” His nose wrinkled in thought. “There was a word that the doctor used--invalidating! That was it. It felt like you were invalidating everything I went through. Growing up in a van--I grew up _homeless!_ And you never even _told_ me about your family--not even just a ‘we don’t talk anymore.’ It felt like there was family that I _could_ have known… that I _could_ have connected with. I could have connected with something _human._ And--” A moment to pause and open his throat back up. “--and I just never got to know about them. Learning that they even _existed,_ it was like… I found that there was a part of me that _could have_ been there. A part that I _could have_ known about, my _human_ family history, but I never got the chance.”

Steven didn’t even bother wiping his watering eyes now. “And… and when you just told me you were _proud of me_ for standing up to you, _even though I just crashed the van,_ it… it felt like you didn’t even _care._ ”

Deep breath. “But… I didn’t think about how miserable you looked in those pictures. I thought you were…” He swallowed--the word sounded so _harsh,_ but he had to say it. “... _ungrateful_ for all the normal stuff you had, like two parents and a house and doctor’s visits and school. But I didn’t think about how, even if you had that stuff, it was probably still really hard for you. And… and I know that you raising me in a van wasn’t your fault. You didn’t have a lot. Y-you - you did everything you could for me.”

Steven finally found the strength to look at his father, and tears streamed down both their faces. “... So I’m sorry, Dad. For everything.”

Greg pulled Steven into a tight embrace, and Steven returned it immediately. “Oh, Schtu-ball… I get it. You… you have a right to be mad at me for those things. I _should_ have given you more as a kid that I didn’t. And I _should_ have told you about my family, even if… they didn’t exactly want to talk to me. Maybe telling you that I was proud of you… really wasn’t what you needed to hear then. And… I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you as badly as I did. But… can I tell you what I _am_ proud of you for?”

Steven sniffed. “What?”

“I’m proud of you for talking to me, and for apologizing.” Greg held Steven tighter, and Steven pressed his face into Greg’s shoulder. “It’s not easy to admit when you did something wrong… and I think we both really did some wrong stuff here.”

Steven managed a weak chuckle. “Yeah… we really did.”

He’s just saying that. He hates you. You know he does. He knows that you’re the biggest disappointment to ever come out of his family.

“... Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Are we… okay?”

“Of course we are, Steven. It’s gonna take a lot more than one fight to break this family apart.”

“... I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, Steven.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoo boy this chapter  
> i. relate a Lot to steven's feelings in "mr. universe," having grown up with little to no contact with my extended family and growing up homeless. and while i understand that those things were out of my family's control (well the homelessness was, cutting out toxic family was by choice and is a choice i understand), it still hurts to see that there was just so much that's deemed 'normal' that you missed out on as a child. like, y'know, knowing about your cousins, or having any memories of being with your grandparents. i see a lot of people bashing on steven for his behavior in "mr. universe" and i wanted to bring up that both sides have a point here, and I wanted them to reach an understanding. so this chapter means a lot to me, even if it's not very long. i hope you guys enjoy it. <3


	5. Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse into the mind of a Corrupted Steven Universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tw for violent thoughts and a lot of thoughts of/desires to self harm/commit suicide. Nothing actually /happens/ outside of what is depicted in the episode, but reading the thoughts can be a lot for people. Nothing that is crucial to understanding later chapters is in this. Please be safe everyone. <3]

Like Mentos to soda. Like a shock of electricity to a pool of water. Like a stray ember to a line of gasoline.

You know what you are.

It was instant. Like flicking a switch.

Freak. Loner. Child. Hypocrite. Liar. Hybrid. Shatterer. Diamond.

Like seeing the whole picture after putting in that last puzzle piece. 

Fraud.

Instant and explosive. 

Monster.

Boom.

Was he screaming when the spikes tore out of his back? He couldn’t remember. It was drowned out by the pain. The pain of shifting bones, crackling joints, ripping skin. Everything was pain. He could feel it, hear it, taste it. The ground was pain, the air was pain. Hands, once so soft and gentle, became wrapped in sinew and turned to keratin as killing claws burst from his fingertips. One, three, five horns grew from around his head, like someone was pulling splinters from his skull and dragging the horns out with them. Chitin clamped around his expanding ribcage. Teeth sharpened to points, and his jaw snapped and shattered as it grew thicker and stronger. 

Stop. Make it stop. Make it stop _make it stop MAKE IT STOP_

**_MONSTER MONSTER MONSTER MONSTER_ **

Too many tiny things were trying to grab him, and he roared in anger. Roar? When did he roar? He didn’t care. Roaring made his throat burn. It made the anger in his blood lessen. That horrible, static feeling that ran through his entire body and could only be appeased by the bite of open skin and the sting of broken blood vessels. 

His head and neck were too big. He didn’t know why. He threw his head into the hill and hissed as rocks tore at his scales and scratched his skin.

It was that feeling that made him want to tear open his insides and bite down so hard on his hands that he snapped them in half and tasted blood. He wanted to hurt, he wanted to _bleed,_ he wanted to do _anything to make it stop stop STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP_

**_HURT. BLEED. TEAR. DESTROY. STOP THE PAIN._ **

Those tiny things were holding him down in the water, chaining him, and he thrashed about because the watery chains only hurt so much when he pulled at them, they didn’t _hurt enough,_ he needed something else, something that hurt _more._ That static feeling was only made worse by the fact that nothing hurt enough to lessen it. It just kept building up and up and up and up and up and

**_NO ONE WAS THERE TO SAVE YOU._ **

No one was there to save him. They didn’t care. (They? Who were they?) They didn’t care enough to help him. They didn’t see anything until it was too late. They gave up on him. They didn’t think he was worth saving.

**_YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE SAVED._ **

He didn’t deserve to be saved.

Three bigger things approached him, and the fire in his body only flared ever hotter. He didn’t want them. They would only make it worse. He wanted pain but not theirs. Not anyone's but his own.

**_YOU DON’T DESERVE TO EXIST._ **

he didn’t deserve to exist

make it stop

god, someone, _anyone, make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop_

his body was on fire his mind was on fire and nothing was happening and everything hurt and he didn’t know how to stop it he just wanted it to _stop_

_stop stop stop stop stop stop stop_

**_YOU ONLY DESERVE TO HURT._ **

Something was pinning him, and he struggled against their hold.

“I’m here, Steven. _I’m here._ ”

Steven. That was his name. The pain had been so blinding that he had forgotten it.

He still wanted to hurt. He wanted _anything to hurt._

**_SO HURT UNTIL YOU CAN’T EXIST TO HURT ANYMORE._ **

He roared again and aimed for the throat of the giant woman holding him and

\---

Steven screamed as he tumbled out of bed and hit the floor.

Tears blurred his vision, and he flailed around to push whatever thing was on him _off of him--_

“Steven?! Steven!”

Pearl. That was Pearl’s voice. Another set of hands pulled at the thing surrounding him, and Steven suddenly remembered where he was. He was in his room. It was night. That “thing” had just been his comforter. He looked at his hands; soft, tannish flesh. Not pink. Not scaled. A nightmare...

“Steven…?” Pearl was kneeling in front of him, eyes wide with worry. “Steven, we heard you screaming, and--”

“I-I was…?” Steven’s stomach dropped in horror. “Garnet! Pearl, where’s--”

“I’m right here, Steven.” Relief flooded Steven’s system upon hearing Garnet’s calm tone. Garnet knelt on one side of Pearl; Amethyst sat down on the other side. Steven stared up at Garnet for a moment, blinking through his tears, and then reached up a shaking hand to touch her hair. Just to make sure. Firm, yet soft. As it always had been.

Garnet gently took Steven’s hand in hers and squeezed it in reassurance. “I’m right here, Steven.”

He felt so childish doing so, but Steven threw his arms around Garnet and sobbed into her chest. She held him tightly in return, petting his hair. Pearl and Amethyst exchanged looks of pure confusion.

“Uh…” Amethyst’s voice was quiet, not wanting to snap the thick tension over them. “... D’ya want us to give you guys some space?” She jabbed a thumb at herself and Pearl.

Steven shifted his face a moment so that a single, teary eye settled on Amethyst. “... N-no. It’s okay. Y-you guys… I-I want you guys here too.”

Their hearts tore in two, seeing Steven in such a shape, but both Amethyst and Pearl joined in on the hug without another word.

It was comforting. It was _real._

There wasn't a monster in the room.

There was just Steven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoo boy this was definitely A Chapter  
> perhaps a tad short but I didn't want to end up rewriting that scene again when it was the first chapter and also there's just a Lot here and things like this shouldn't be given in long pieces (for the mental health of both readers and writer)  
> THE NEXT ONE IS FLUFFY I PROMISE  
> there's only a slight bit of angst but it leads right into cute shit


	6. Connie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven and Connie talk about things.

_ Beep… beep… _

_ “Steven?” _

“Hey, Connie!”

_ “Hey, it’s good to hear from you! How’ve you been?” _

“Good! Really. I’ve been… doing better. Not great, but better.”

_ “I’m so glad to hear! So what’s up?” _

“You’re going to be taking a study break soon, aren’t you? In about… three minutes?”

_ "Heh, right on schedule. Why?” _

“I… I need to talk to you about something. Face-to-face. I-it’s not bad, I promise! But it’s something that I should really say to you personally.”

_ “Oh - okay. I’m guessing you’ll be here on Lion in two minutes and forty seconds?” _

“Thirty-nine seconds, and yeah.”

_ “Heheh--okay. You know my window’s open. My parents aren’t home, so you won’t have to worry about startling them.” _

“Alright - see you soon!”

Steven barely recognized that he hung up. His entire body felt numb, feeling everything and nothing. The butterflies in his stomach were an angry swarm. He was doing this? He was doing this. God he was actually doing this and he was going to explode.

In for four. Hold for seven. Out for eight. You can do this.

She’s going to reject you. Just like she did before. Don’t bother. You’re just going to hurt her again.

Connie deserves to have closure to this. The worst she can say is ‘no.’ We’re doing this for her, not us. We’re going to be late. We need to get going, now.

\---

Connie heard the portal open out of her window, and she took a quick glance at the clock. Right on the hour. She rushed to the window and saw Steven slipping off of Lion’s back and giving him grateful pets.

“Steven!” She grinned down at him, a gesture Steven returned from below. It was one of the few genuine smiles that she had seen from him these past weeks. Therapy was obviously taking a lot out of him, judging by the dark circles under his eyes and the sidestepping of the topic whenever it came up. But he seemed… lighter. He no longer walked like there was a giant weight on his shoulders, pressing him down, and the underlying edge to his voice had dulled.

Even now Connie could see it, as Steven jumped and floated up to her window sill. It wasn’t the first time he had entered her room this way, but it still made Connie giggle.

“There  _ is _ a door, y’know.”

Steven smirked and shrugged. “Doors aren’t as fun.” He yelped a bit when Connie suddenly hugged him tight, though he hugged her back with a giggle.

“It’s really good to see you, Steven.”

“Yeah… it’s really good to see you, too, Connie.”

Though the embrace broke, both Steven and Connie kept their hands on the other’s shoulders.

“So… what did you want to talk about?”

Steven’s smile slid off his face, and his cheeks turned red. His hands fell from Connie’s shoulders, one hiding in his jacket pocket and the other resting sheepishly on his neck. “Um… w-well. It’s about. You know. That night.”

Connie’s own face warmed. “Oh. Y-yeah, I-I guess I should have figured that we needed to talk about it eventually. Here, let’s sit down…” She finally let go of him, and the two sat down on the edge of Connie’s bed. Steven sat hunched over, elbows on his knees and fingers locked together. He couldn’t look up at her.

For a while between them, there was silence. Connie didn’t blame Steven. It was such a…  _ heavy _ topic to just bring up out of nowhere. How was he even going to start?

“So… I wanted to say sorry.”

Of course. That was how. Connie rested a hand on Steven’s arm.

“Steven--”

“No, listen, I-I just…” Deep breaths. Steven’s face turned a darker shade of red, and his downcast eyes were full of shame. “... I-I was really afraid that you were going to move on without me. You have college, you have new friends, you have a  _ plan _ for your future. And I… don’t. I-I thought…” He laughed mirthlessly. “... I thought that if I...  _ proposed _ to you, that we could be like Garnet. That I could go with you to college, and we could just  _ be _ Stevonnie. But…”

Steven swallowed hard, eyes welling with tears. “That’s not fair. It’s not  _ right. _ I… I didn’t think about how  _ you _ would feel. A-and I - I don’t want Stevonnie to be  _ used _ like that. I don’t want to use  _ you _ like that!”

Steven ran his hands through his hair, pure unbridled  _ shame _ radiating from him. “... So, I’m sorry. For all of that.”

“Steven…” Connie’s heart cracked, and she reached out again. One hand took hold of Steven’s, and the other cupped his wet cheek and lifted his head so he would look at her. He still shut his eyes, lip wobbling. “... I’m not upset. Honestly, I was a little…  _ shocked, _ but I wasn’t upset. I know you were going through a lot…”

“But that doesn’t excuse it!” Steven finally opened his eyes to meet hers, fresh tears rolling down and hitting Connie’s fingers.

“You’re right. It doesn’t.” Connie’s voice was gentle and even. “But you’re  _ not _ trying to make excuses. You’re just telling me why you did it. And  _ I’m _ telling you that I’m not upset. I’m not angry, or disgusted, or whatever.” Her thumb brushed some of the tears away. “But I’m still glad that you talked to me about this. Like I told you when you were… y’know, corrupted.”

Connie rested her forehead against Steven’s, their eyes locked, their faces pink.

“I’m not going anywhere. Even if we’re far away from each other… you’re still my best friend. You still matter  _ so _ much to me, Steven. I know I’ve been really busy lately, and  _ I’m _ sorry for that.”

“But you--”

“Steven, you were obviously hurting, and I didn’t do anything.” A bit of bitterness creeped into Connie’s voice, just for a moment, before her tone warmed again. “But no matter what happens, no matter where we go, what we do, who we meet... You will  _ never _ stop being important to me, Steven Universe.”

Steven’s mouth hung open in shock, and his wide, watery eyes searched Connie’s. For what, she wasn’t sure. Deception? Pity? Whatever it was, he didn’t find it. Through his tears, he giggled weakly.

“So you’ll remember me when you start to run for president?”

Connie grinned. “As if you won’t be my campaign manager!”

The two burst into giggles, the tension around them dissipating.

“Connie…” Steven shifted his hand, intertwining his fingers with hers. He seemed to be at a complete loss for words, but Connie smiled to assure him that it was okay. They had already talked. This, right then, didn’t need words. Connie was happy to just sit here in the comforting silence, their foreheads resting against one another, their fingers laced together.

A warm surge of affection filled Connie’s chest. She had been rather aware of her feelings for Steven for… a while now. What to  _ do _ with those feelings was a complete mystery. She had managed to keep them relatively under control--sans that cheek kiss before she went off to space camp, a product of a sudden rush of boldness before she left--but in that moment they seemed to go haywire. She was suddenly aware of the feeling of his hand in hers, of his soft skin beneath her fingertips, of his warm breath on her lips.

Huh. When did their lips get so close?

Connie took a breath.

_ Fuck it. _

It was a very quick, almost chaste kiss, there one moment and gone the next. Connie leaped back, eyes wide with horror and her hand clamping over her mouth.

“Oh gosh.” Suddenly her entire body felt hot with fear and shame as she came back to her senses. “O-oh gosh, St--Steven, I-I’m sorry, I-I shouldn’t have just done that without asking, ohhhh gosh I’m  _ so _ sorry I--”

As Connie carried on with her anxiety-fueled ramblings, a red-faced Steven could only stare at her in shock, the fingertips of his free hand very lightly resting on his lips. He blinked once, twice, before cutting her off.

“... C--could you do that again?”

Connie choked on her words, her face so red that she thought she was going to pop. Did. Did he just ask that? Did he just ask for her to kiss him again?

She moved closer without meaning to, dream-like, her face close to Steven’s once more. She squeezed his hand in hers, not able and not wanting to let go.

The next kiss was slow, soft, gentle. Connie had dreamed a thousand times of what their first kiss would be like--out on the beach at sunset, out in the forest under the stars, after a deadly battle where they managed to come back from the brink of defeat--but nothing could have prepared her for the real thing. It wasn’t fireworks and electricity as she had read about so many times; it was softness and warmth, and the faint taste of strawberries on his lips. Her arm wrapped around his shoulder, and his hand rested on her cheek, his fingertips hooking her jaw and pulling her in closer. They finally let go of each other’s hands, but only to place it on one another’s hip to shorten the distance between them even more. At one point the kiss broke for breath, but their lips connected again almost immediately.

All of those books Connie had read were wrong about kisses. There weren’t any number of words that could truly describe how it felt to kiss the one that you loved.

The moment couldn’t last forever, and when they finally parted, they were gasping softly, faces cherry-red and emanating heat. Steven and Connie could only stare at each other with wide eyes.

It was Steven who moved first, his lips breaking out into the widest smile she had ever seen, before he broke into a fit of giggles. His laughter was infectious, and Connie swiftly found herself overcome by her own giggles. 

“That -  _ that just happened!” _

Steven’s laughter, his beautiful laughter, colored his voice. “Y-yeah! It did!”

“ _ That really happened!” _

“ _ We kissed!” _

Connie threw her arms around Steven, and he returned it--Connie yelped when Steven suddenly picked her up and stood, but the laughter continued as he started to spin around with her in his arms.

Within seconds, there was only one individual there, spinning and laughing, and they didn’t realize that until they nearly bumped their head on the ceiling.

“Wha - oh!” Stevonnie looked down at themselves, and only giggled harder. They flopped down on the bed, hugging themselves.

“Ahahaha--! Man… I guess this is what Garnet feels like?” Suddenly they sat up, brow drawn, tone firm. “Wait, no. Steven, we have to unfuse, right now.” Stevonnie’s body lit up, and Steven and Connie fell back onto the bed. Steven sat up and tensed.

“What - what’s wrong?”

Connie sat up as well, a mischievous grin on her face. She held Steven’s face in both of her hands. “How can I kiss your face if we're fused?”

She knocked Steven backwards as she began her barrage of obnoxious kisses all over his face, and Steven let out a laughter-filled “ _ Connie!” _ as he hit the bed.

There was still so much that the two of them didn’t know--about the future, about themselves, about  _ them _ . But right then, right now, they did know one thing: they loved each other. For just one night, that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im connverse trash  
> they're so cute i cant handle it  
> oh yeah and im on tumblr now (or i guess again it's not my first romp on the hellsite) under the same username as i go by here so if u want to see me screaming + get cryptic and vaguely threatening hints abt future chapters/works follow me or smth idk


	7. Fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven takes responsibility.

Steven had a lot of apologizing to do.

He knew it was the right thing to do, for both the people and himself, and his therapist told him to spread it out.

“You feel things very strongly, Steven,” Dr. Sumio had told him. “I know that the guilt is weighing heavily on you, but admitting you were wrong takes a lot out of you, too. Try to take things slow, so you don’t burn yourself out.”

He was trying. He really was. The guilt was acidic, and it ate away at his stomach and chest every second that he didn’t apologize  _ right now. _

They’re not going to forgive you. They’re going to think you took too long to apologize and don’t actually mean it. They’re going to think you’re a massive jerk. They’ve probably already been talking about how awful you are behind your back.

The guilt was loud and angry.

He tried not to listen to it.

The apologies began with Pink Pearl/Volleyball. He had screamed at and terrified her, and nearly got her and Pearl rejuvenated. She definitely deserved an apology.

Volleyball was as polite and courteous as ever, of course, but she seemed… happier, still. Steven found her in the greenhouse, face half-hidden behind plants, and deeply invested in her gardening work.

“Oh - stars, Steven, don’t apologize!” She had smiled at him as she snipped a couple leaves from a plant. “We were all okay, weren’t we? And besides… it let me and Pearl understand each other better.”

“But I still nearly caused you two to get rejuvenated!” he argued. “And… and I  _ scared _ you.” His eyes had fallen to the floor. “Even if I didn’t mean to… I still hurt you.”

She had stared at him, and muttered under her breath, “Even if you didn’t mean to…” Volleyball had put a hand on his shoulder, gently, and smiled again. This smile was softer. “Even if you hurt us… I forgive you, Steven.”

He had smiled back at her. Part of his chest that had been burning with guilt cooled. “... Thanks. That… means a lot.”

“Of course! We are…  _ friends, _ aren’t we?” Her eye had sparkled when she said the word ‘friends.’

Next had been the other Little Homeworld Gems. First among that list was the Heaven and Earth Beetles, and he felt another hot stab of guilt when they flinched upon seeing him. But they were as kind and understanding as ever; they accepted his apology and inquired about his state. It had been a nice conversation in front of their newly-rebuilt house.

After them was Bismuth, who gave Steven a massive bear hug upon entering the forge. She, like the others, had been understanding--”Yeah, I was upset that the anvil broke, but anvils can be replaced. People can’t be.”

Peridot, too, had been understanding (if also extremely protective of her plants.) Really, she didn’t understand why he had been apologizing. But she had forgiven him, too.

Part of him couldn’t comprehend why everyone was being so  _ forgiving  _ and  _ understanding. _ He had messed up badly, didn’t he? Why wasn’t anyone still angry with him?! He didn’t  _ want _ them to be, of course, but that’s what he had expected. It was what he had prepared for. Everyone being so supportive and understanding… it was  _ confusing. _ He didn’t know how to deal with that.

Next for him to apologize to was Lars and the Off-Colors. It took a bit to contact them, but Steven was finally able to get through. They, too, were understanding.

“I'm sorry about everything with you and Sadie, too,” Steven had said. “Whatever relationship you guys have, friends or otherwise… it’s not my business. And I shouldn’t have gotten so upset with you. And I  _ really _ shouldn’t have blamed you for what I did. I’m really sorry, Lars.”

_ "Hey, you were under a lot of stress, y’know?” _ Lars had run a hand through his hair.  _ “But, uh… thanks for apologizing. It’s, y’know… appreciated.” _

“So…” Steven had smiled sheepishly at Lars. “... are we cool?”

Lars had put a hand to his chest and smiled.  _ “Yeah, I guess.” _

Shep and Sadie were next-- _ especially _ Shep. After all that Steven had accused them of, all the things that he had said to them, he was fully expecting them to not forgive him. He was wrong, of course; they had been just as chill as when they met at graduation. Chill, and forgiving. Steven, Shep, and Sadie had ended up talking for a while after that, with Sadie promising “to sneak you backstage at our next concert!”

By the end of the week, Steven was exhausted.

But there was one more person he needed to apologize to.

“Jasper? What… are you doing out here?”

Jasper was hiding behind a tree near Little Homeschool, watching the other Gems, and she jumped when Steven approached her.

“Uh - nothing!” She quickly assumed the Diamond salute, and Steven sighed. “What do you request of me, my Diamond?”

“Nothing, just--” Steven shook his head--his skin just  _ crawled _ hearing her talk to him like that. Respect from Jasper felt like some kind of forbidden curse that was never supposed to reach mortal ears. “--I wanted to apologize.”

Jasper’s brow furrowed. “For… what?”

“You know...” Steven’s voice dropped, ashamed. “...  _ Shattering _ you.”

“You’re apologizing for that display of strength?” Jasper’s lip curled in disgust for a moment. 

Anger flared in Steven’s chest, and it felt like someone was squeezing his lungs. “Strength?  _ That’s not strength! _ That’s weakness!  _ Restraint _ takes strength,  _ patience _ takes strength--” He caught a glimpse of pink skin, and he bit back his response.

In for four. Hold for seven. Out for eight.

(Jasper just stared at him in confusion and in an awkward silence.)

The pink washed away from his skin, and Steven looked back up at Jasper with an apathetic expression.

“Just… whatever. I’m sorry for what I did, but however  _ you _ wanna respond, just... Do what you want.”

Jasper saluted again. “Very well, my Diamond.”

Part of him wanted to order her,  _ stop calling me your Diamond. _ He didn’t want to be  _ her _ Diamond, regardless if he was  _ a _ Diamond. Most of the hell that he had went through the past several weeks was because of him thinking he was too much like a Diamond, too much like  _ Pink Diamond. _

The other part of him just really didn’t want to even  _ try _ to deal with it and instead go take a nap.

That part won.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 7 aka "pure catharsis"  
> it's short but smth i still feel is necessary in recovery--admitting that there were points that u fucked up and hurt ppl  
> and w jasper i wanted to show that some ppl WON'T accept ur apology (even if the way and reason that jasper doesn't would be different irl probably), and that when that happens, esp w more toxic ppl, sometimes u just gotta let it go  
> bc you've done all that u can  
> how they respond is out of your hands


	8. Colors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven confronts his feelings about the Diamonds.

The day had finally come, after weeks of negotiation and planning. A gleeful Peridot had worked closely with Yellow Diamond to create the Extractor, a device that could be controlled remotely, even hundreds of thousands of feet down into the Earth’s mantle, and created solely for the purpose of removing gem shards from the Cluster. Steven had convinced the Diamonds to take a day off from their usual work and go to Rose’s pool again, in order to heal the Cluster Gems fully. (Yellow was a bit huffy about it, since it rendered her new powers null for the moment, but agreed that it would be better in the long run. Having Steven there especially would help keep the Cluster calm.)

Though the project was definitely not small to begin with, somehow, more and more Gems joined the cause to help. Gems that were good with precision--former sculptor Larimars, former blacksmiths Bismuths, Gem scientists Morganites, and so many others--offered their services to help with the reconstruction of Cluster Gems. Members of the Crystal Gems were, of course, on the frontlines of this--so many of their old companions were in need of help, after all.

It turned into a much larger project than anticipated, and by the time the date rolled around, Steven had to force himself out of bed through his exhaustion. He _wanted_ this to happen, of course he did, but he just wishes he could sleep for another hour. Or ten.

Pearl was able to keep everyone on task. The Quartzes would go back and forth, carrying buckets of the water infused with Diamond essence, to the ones who were putting the shards together. The combined pieces would be held in water, until the Gem shards fused back together and became whole again. Other Gems would sort through the Gem shards and bubble pieces that looked close before giving them to the reconstructors. Rinse and repeat. The process was slow to begin as the Extractor had to start pulling out Gem shards (and Steven had to keep the emerging Cluster calm and explain what was happening), but once it started, it was much smoother.

Garnet, Pearl, Bismuth, and the other Crystal Gems couldn’t stop crying once they started. Steven heard cheers of names he never recognized--”Kyanite,” “Ammolite,” “Onyx,” "Hafnon.” As tired as he was, his heart swelled, seeing all of these Crystal Gems regain their individuality. Just how many Gems were in the Cluster? Millions, he remembered Peridot saying. Millions of Gems. It was going to take them _ages_ to put everyone back together.

But for the first time in a long time, Steven felt hopeful. There was an end somewhere. They weren’t working alone; already more of the Crystal Gems who were inside the Cluster were joining the reconstruction efforts. (Even if they were very weirded out by the Diamonds’ presences.) Spinel, thrilled to be surrounded by so many new faces, was bouncing around and joking with others to keep spirits high. Seeing everyone work together for this one cause… it warmed his heart with hope.

“Steven?”

Steven, sitting on the edge of the pool with his feet dipped into it, jumped when he heard Blue Diamond’s soft voice. She held the broken Zircon gemstone underwater, and set it next to Pearl as the Zircon reformed. Pearl let out a shriek of joy before tackling the reformed Red Zircon in a hug.

Steven looked up at Blue, an eyebrow raised. “Uh… yes, Blue?”

“Do you have a moment to speak?” Blue smiled down at him, before flicking her eyes towards both White and Yellow Diamond next to her. Both of them, too, were working to put the Gems back together.

Steven set down the bubbles he was working with to give the Diamonds his full attention. “Uh, yeah, sure. What about?”

“Well…” Blue turned towards White and gave her a light nudge, as if encouraging her. White jumped slightly, before she shrugged her shoulders slightly.

“Oh, I’m _awful_ at this…” White took a deep breath, in, out, before also smiling down at Steven. “We wanted to ask how you have been since… we last visited.”

Steven rubbed his neck, hearing the unspoken words _since you were corrupted into a monster._ “Oh - Better.” He managed a smile--a small, tired one, but a genuine smile nonetheless. “Really. I’m still not great, but I’m… I’m getting better.” Better. He was using that word a lot recently. Sometimes it felt like he wasn’t. But everyone else always assured him that he was getting better. He wanted to believe them.

All three of the Diamonds smiled at him in return, their eyes brightening.

“Oh, that’s wonderful to hear!” Blue gave White another look. “And I do believe that White wishes to tell you something.”

White buried her face in her hand as Yellow snickered. “ _Really,_ Blue, do you _really_ have to--” She took another breath, and her eyes fell to the ground, almost… _sheepish._ Steven blinked. That was not exactly an emotion he associated with White Diamond. “Steven, I… I wanted to apologize.”

Apologize? “For what?” There were _many_ things that she could apologize for.

“Everything.”

Oh. Huh.

White continued. “I’ve hurt countless Gems over the millennia. Countless planets destroyed under my command. Countless species wiped out. Even my own family…” She glanced at Yellow and Blue, and then finally to Steven. “... Even you. That vision of yours…”

Steven felt his stomach drop. Oh. _That._ “White, I-I--”

White Diamond held up her hand. “... I saw what you saw. I _felt_ what you felt. Even in that brief flash of memory, I…” Her smile was sad and bitter. “Had the same thing been done to me, perhaps I would have thought of shattering the person, too.” Blue put a gentle hand on White’s shoulder; Yellow seemed to hone in further on her work.

“Y-you’re not… mad?”

“No, no. Quite the opposite, in fact. As… shocking as that experience was, it was… incredibly eye-opening for me, Steven. I found that trying to understand pain and _feeling_ that pain are two very different things. Knowing exactly how you felt because of what _I_ did to you… It makes things much clearer. And…” White paused, trying to pull the words out like a splinter. “... I know that this is… almost _trivial_ in comparison to what has been done, but… I’m… I’m _sorry,_ Steven.”

Steven stared up at White Diamond, jaw slack in shock. Steven had heard many things come out of White Diamond’s mouth, but an _apology_ was a first. Especially to _him._

There’s nothing you can do except go away. You almost killed me. There’s no fixing that. There’s no  _ forgiving _ that. You’ll always be White Diamond. You’ll always be a genocidal maniac.

Steven took a deep breath.

“... You’re right, that you hurt me. And a lot of others.” Steven spoke slowly, choosing his words carefully. “I don’t… think I can forgive you. Any of you. I don’t know if I _ever_ can.”

White Diamond’s shoulders sagged, though she was clearly doing her best not to appear too disappointed. Yellow couldn't look at him, and Blue closed her eyes and let her head drop slightly in shame.

“But…” 

In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. You’re okay.

Steven thought back to the things that Dr. Sumio had helped him through. It was _okay_ to be angry and upset. It was okay to _not_ forgive someone--or, if you did, it was okay to forgive solely for yourself and not for them. 

Steven didn’t want to hold onto that anger. But he also didn’t want to necessarily _forgive_ White, either--or any of the Diamonds, really.

He got to his feet and stood firmly against the Diamonds.

“... But I want to be able to move on. And I’m sure you guys do, too.”

All three of the Diamonds had their eyes on Steven now, and Blue outstretched her hand towards him. Steven hopped up onto her palm, and Blue lifted him closer to the Diamond’s faces.

“So… things might not heal fully. And that’s… that’s okay. But I want things to _start_ healing instead of just… you know. Pretending like they were never there.”

Yellow, Blue, and White Diamond each grinned down at Steven, their eyes glistening with tears. Steven sniffed and wiped his own eyes; it felt like a huge weight had finally fallen off of his chest.

White let the tears roll down her cheeks. “... Thank you, Steven.”

“Hey, you four!” The group turned to look at Garnet, who was calling at them while being climbed on by a laughing Jade. “We’ve still got work to do!”

Steven grinned and called back, “Sorry, Garnet! Just… had to take care of a couple things!” Another glance at the Diamonds. “We better get back to work.”

They returned to their work, with the Diamonds occasionally exchanging a few quips and laughs, and, for the first time since Era 3 started, Steven found himself laughing with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whee  
> this was definitely an Interesting one to write, mostly bc how the FUCK do you write the diamonds  
> BUT i think it turned out pretty okay :0  
> there's only four chapters left now and i'm so confused how did we get here


	9. Label

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven finds out about labels.

He didn’t know how long he had been staring at the little orange bottle.

_Steven Q. C. P. D. D. Universe_

_PAROXETINE_

_HCL 10 MG_

_TABLET_

It took a lot of time and planning to get a prescription for him. Turns out that being born off the grid had a lot of drawbacks when it came to medicine. Lots of phone calls and paperwork went into uniting Steven with this tiny bottle of pills.

He remembered Dr. Sumio talking to him about it. They told him that stuff in his brain was changing because of the trauma. He didn’t remember all of it--it was a lot of technical talk. But he remembered that his brain wasn’t distributing a certain chemical right: serotonin. Serotonin apparently affected a lot of things that Steven never even realized. It affected his mood, sleep patterns, appetite. But the trauma made it not spread as well around his brain and get where it needed to.

That was where this little pill came in. It was supposed to make him feel better. “It’s not a miracle drug or a quick fix-it,” Dr. Sumio had said. “There’s still going to be work involved. But at least for now, I think this could really help you on the road to recovery.”

“Am I going to be on it forever?” Steven has asked.

“No, no, not forever. You might be on it for a while, though, but that’s normal when taking medications.” They had talked more about technical stuff--how there’s a possibility that the meds wouldn’t work for him and they’d have to try something else, how there’s a possibility that they could make him feel _worse_ and what to do when that happens--but when they sensed that Steven was starting to zone out (not intentionally, he was just… feeling a lot and nothing at all), they wrote down everything for him.

Now he was staring at the bottle of Paxil, and he didn’t know what to think now. Emotions were bubbling in his body, tension gathering in his upper back and shoulders, fog clouding his brain. Pink appeared in his periphery, and he gasped.

In four. Hold seven. Out eight.

In four. Hold seven. Out eight. The pink glow vanished.

Tell someone.

He had to tell someone. _Anyone._ Would the Gems understand? As much as they tried, he just didn’t feel comfortable telling them about such a… _human_ thing. His dad… he wasn’t sure. Maybe the wounds were still too fresh with him.

(So. Maybe not _anyone._ Goddammit, why did his brain have to be so picky?!)

There was one person, though, that he could call.

“Connie?”

_“Hey, Steven, what’s up?”_

“H-hey, um… are you busy?”

“ _Just with the usual stuff, but why?”_

“O-oh, if you’re busy, I-I don’t want--”

_“Steven.”_

“... S-sorry. I just really need to talk to someone right now.”

_“Hold on. I’ll be right over.”_

“Y-you don’t have to--”

 _“_ ** _Steven._ ** _”_

“... Yeah, I’d appreciate that.”

Connie was over in minutes, and she came in to find Steven laying on his stomach on his bed, staring at the pill bottle in his hand. Instantly she was lying next to him, an arm around his shoulders. He leaned into the slight hug. (A few butterflies flitted around his stomach before dying down. Guess not even this could fully erase the excitement of a new relationship.)

“Alright, Universe. Talk to me.” 

Steven was silent for a moment, before he handed her the bottle. She raised a brow at it.

“Paroxetine?”

Steven folded an arm under his head, and his voice dropped low. He couldn’t look at Connie.

“... Doc diagnosed me today.”

Connie’s eyes went wide.

“Steven… What’d they say?”

“PTSD and depression.”

It felt like his heart lodged out of place and completely dropped the moment he said the words. Oh. He had PTSD and depression. He was mentally ill.

You’re broken.

It was real. It was real but it didn’t feel real _but it did._ He felt too heavy and completely light all at once. His body didn’t feel like his own. The words leaving his own lips suddenly made everything come crashing down on him all at once, like a wave collapsing on top of him.

Connie took Steven’s hand in hers and squeezed it gently. “Oh, Steven… How are you holding up?”

“I…” Steven’s eyes glazed over as he stared out at the black TV screen. His and Connie’s blurry reflections were the only thing that greeted him. Were they even reflections? They were shapes. Just shapes. Everything was just--

“Steven?”

He squeezed her hand in return, but he didn’t remove his gaze from ahead of him.

“... I don’t know.”

“It’s okay if you don’t know…” Connie nestled closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder. After a moment, he rested his head on hers in return. “... Do you wanna talk about it more?”

“I don’t… I just don’t _know._ ” Steven closed his heavy eyes. “It just… it feels so _weird,_ Connie. Like… like I don’t just have _problems,_ I have _mental illnesses._ It feels just so much more… I dunno, big? This… this _thing_ that I’ve been dealing with, all of these problems I’ve been having lately, with my messed up sleep and feeling tired all the time, it’s… it’s not just _me._ A-and it--it has a _name.”_

A breath, in order to clear his throat. “... But I feel like… like there’s something _wrong_ with me.” Heat pricked the back of his eyes. “Like--like I’m _broken._ Like I’m so messed up that even my _brain_ can’t do things right.”

“Steven.... It’s not your fault.” Connie lifted her head and leaned forward to try and see Steven’s face; he only hid it further in his arm. “... Can I tell you something?”

“Mhm?”

“I take medication for my anxiety.”

Steven’s head snapped up, brow drawn. “What?”

Connie nodded. “I take Valium.”

“What’s… that?”

“Anti-anxiety medication. I only take it when I need it, though.”

“Like… when?”

“When I have really bad panic attacks, usually. It’s a sedative, so it calms me down.”

“I… I never knew… Why didn’t you tell me?”

Connie shrugged, her eyes flitting to the ground. “It was personal, y’know? But… since you told me about this, I wanted to tell you about my anxiety. Just… let you know you’re not alone.”

Warmth spread through his chest. “Connie, you…”

Connie held his hand tighter. “Do you want to hear something _my_ therapist told me when I first started taking medication?”

“You have a therapist?”

“Um… kind of.” At Steven’s look, Connie shrank, sheepish gaze remaining on the ground. “... I-I haven’t seen him in awhile. Since I’ve been really busy.”

“Connie!”

“I-I know, I know, I’ve been really bad about that!” Connie sighed in frustration and pressed her face into Steven’s shoulder. “I’m… trying to get back in the swing of things.”

Steven couldn’t help but feel just a smidge of anger at her hypocrisy. She had been so adamant on him getting help while ignoring her own! But that small ember of rage died out when he heard her talk--it sounded like she was mad at herself enough about it. (He made a mental note to remind her about her own therapist later. Maybe she just needed a little help remembering herself.) Steven finally lifted his head and rested his chin on the top of Connie’s head.

“So… what did your therapist say?”

“O-oh yeah, right.” Her voice was a bit muffled by his shirt fabric. “You’d take medicine for a cold, right?”

“Yeah?”

“And you’d try to get rest and eat right and take care of yourself?”

“Yeah…?”

“So you do the same thing when you have a mental illness. You have to take care of yourself so you can get better. You wouldn’t blame your body for getting sick, right?”

Steven grumbled a bit, knowing where this was going but not wanting to admit it. “... _No…”_

“So don’t be mad at yourself for being mentally ill, either.”

For a while, the two were quiet. Steven and Connie just took in each other’s presences, hands linked, bodies shoulder-to-shoulder.

“... Connie?”

Connie finally lifted her head to face Steven, and Steven leaned forward to gently press his lips to hers. When the kiss broke, he smiled wearily at her (and ignored the redness in his face).

“Thank you. That… really helped me.”

Connie, cheeks flushed, stared a moment before smiling and giving Steven a kiss of her own.

“Of course, Steven. Let’s get through this… together.”

“Yeah… together.” Steven let go of Connie’s hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her in closer. Giggling, she snuggled up to his side, and the two let a bit of their tension go as they sank into the mattress. It was just them. Just a pair of dating teens (dating! _They were dating!)_ against the world. A knight and her liege, a pair of Jam Buds, who were going through things so similar and were going to go through them together.

The words, tired and mumbled, left Steven’s mouth before he could stop them. “I love you.”

Oh. Oh god did he really just say that.

He could see Connie, strawberry-red, grin wide out of the corner of his eye. “I love you, too.”

\---

The next morning, Steven shook a pill from the bottle and took it soon after he woke up. It smelled like citrus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoo boy this was A Chapter  
> i actually got pretty emotional writing it, also yes im projecting @ the paxil being the antidepressant (tho the dosage is different)  
> everyone deserves some good fluff after the beginning so we ended w/ some fluffy connverse  
> (also this chapter was partially inspired by "diagnostic" by yokaikohai so go read that too thank u)


	10. Karma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven's been so good, but it's still getting harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for a genuine panic attack. please take care. <3

He didn’t know what set it off.

Steven was just scrolling through his phone, curled up in bed after a long therapy session. There wasn’t anything interesting going on--cool art, funny posts, the usual stuff--but he couldn’t stop thinking about something Dr. Sumio had said.

“ _You’re doing really well, Steven. Be proud of yourself. You’re making a lot of good progress!”_

Was he?

He couldn’t stop replaying that line over and over again in his head, like a scratched record. _You’re making a lot of good progress._ He was taking the medication every day, like he was supposed to, but he didn’t feel any different. He kept sleeping a lot. He kept either not eating or eating too much. Everything around him just felt so _gray_ most days.

Some days were better. Some days he managed to smile and actually mean it, or actually eat properly, or managed to do something like laundry or cleaning. But most days he just had to make it look real. Most days he had to drag himself from sunrise ‘til sunset, only to have fitful sleep and do it all again the next day. It was just the same thing, over and over and over again.

How was that progress? How could _any_ of that be considered progress?

Steven’s hand trembled, and his grip unconsciously tightened on his phone.

He wasn’t making progress. He wasn’t getting any better. He had just tricked everyone into _thinking_ that he was getting better, but he was a liar. A fake. A fraud.

Pink suddenly washed over his skin.

Steven sank into the mattress.

His arms and legs tingled as numbness spread through his veins.

_ You’re never going to get better you’re just going to get worse you’re going to turn back into that thing again you’re going to hurt people you’re never going to feel happy again you’re never going to stop feeling like this it’s going to be like this forever it’s going to be like this forever and you can’t do anything about it you’ve just fooled yourself into thinking that you can change and you fooled everyone else too and they’re going to find out that you’re lying to them and they’re going to be angry that you lied and they’re going to hate you and yell at you and leave you and you’ll be no better than mom and you’ll be alone and you can’t be alone you can’t you can’t you can’t you don’t want to be alone i don’t want to be alone please don’t leave me i can’t be alone i can’t do this i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t breathe i can’t think everything’s too loud everything’s too bright i can’t see i can’t do this please make it stop i don’t want to feel like this anymore i can’t keep doing this i don’t want to keep doing this but i can’t fix this i can’t fix this i can’t feel my arms my chest hurts why is everything so loud i don’t want to be like this anymore but i’m not getting better and i’m wasting everyone’s time and i can’t be fixed and i’m broken and and and and and and and and _

Breathe.

_ i can’t breathe i can’t breathe my chest is too tight why can’t i breathe why why why why _

You’re having a panic attack. You know what this is. It's okay. Take a deep breath.

_ god why am i crying why do i always cry i’m always crying i hate it why can’t i stop crying _

One, two, three, four.

_ i just want to be better why can’t i be better i’m so tired i don’t want to feel this way anymore _

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

_I just want to be better. I just want to be better. I just want to be better._

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

He was so tired of feeling like this. The adrenaline slowly, slowly flushed from his system, and the energy crash fell down on Steven like a heavy bookcase. The pink faded from his skin, and Steven pulled up his covers over his head with a groan. He sniffled and wiped the tears from his eyes, but they still streamed down his cheeks. He stopped bothering and just pressed his wet face into his pillow.

Well… he hadn’t had a panic attack that bad in weeks. The energy was completely sapped from his body, and though his powers were no longer active, his limbs still felt heavy like concrete. God, he just wanted to _sleep..._ What time was it? 3 PM? That would probably be fine if he slept for a little bit. Or a lot a bit. It's not like anyone could care, right?

He continued to count and breathe, even tucked away in his bed, until his phone pinged. It took him a few moments of internal debate, but Steven eventually picked up his phone again and checked his new messages.

It was from Pearl--a blurry image of Pearl and Amethyst facing the camera was attached to her message. _Dear Steven, Amethyst has been teaching me about sending pictures on my phone. Love, Pearl._

Despite his bone-deep exhaustion, Steven smiled. Right… there _were_ some people who cared.

_Looks great, you guys,_ he responded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes it's an ajr reference i rlly like the song  
> also i know this is really Short however i didn't want this chapter to overstay its welcome  
> i wanted to write through the experience of having a panic attack--at least, from my own personal experiences--and while they were relatively short affairs for me, they left me feeling like absolute garbage for the rest of the day. so i wanted to express that.  
> and i also wanted to show how some things may be considered progress, but that doesn't mean that YOU feel like you've made progress.  
> progress isn't linear, everyone. it's not just an upward slop. there are bumps and dips and twists and turns. as long as you try, you're making progress. please take care of yourselves. <3


	11. To Be Continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven lays down for the night and reflects.

_ The Sound Stay _ was a cute little hotel--just a two-story building with beige paint and red doors. The room was a tiny, comfortable single, with the walls painted beige and red. Those same colors were on the floor, the beds, the bathroom shower curtain…  _ They must REALLY like their red and tan, _ Steven mused as he heaved his suitcase onto the bed.

God, he was  _ exhausted. _ But… it was a  _ good _ kind of exhausted. A type of exhaustion that signaled that something _ big _ had happened, one that left feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment behind. Still, he thought as he shed his jacket and promptly flopped onto the bed, he was so  _ tired. _

Steven just barely got out of Delmarva and was now on the fringes of Keystone, having rolled into  _ The Sound Stay _ when the moon was already high in the sky. (Maybe he shouldn’t have left at sunset.) His head felt heavy from earlier tears, and already his heart ached for home.

It’s okay. This is normal. We’re still doing a good thing for us.

There had been doubts, of course, about his idea of a road trip. (Dr. Sumio was particularly worried about a legal minor travelling by himself, even if they knew that Steven could handle himself just fine.) There was always going to be the worry of something bad happening, whether it be to the Dondai, or to anyone back home, or to Steven.

But despite the thoughts surfacing, Steven never turned pink. There was never that rushing panic, that numb feeling, that feel of adrenaline pumping through his body. Instead, he told himself that things were going to be okay. If something happened, he would resolve it. Problems have solutions. There would be problems, and he would have the tools to figure them out. And if he couldn’t fix them himself, there was always going to be someone who was just a call away.

Steven kicked off his shoes and rolled over onto his back before pulling out his phone. Already there were a couple texts from the Gems--mainly Pearl and Peridot--wishing him well and saying how much they miss him. There was also a text from Connie that consisted of nothing but heart emojis. He chuckled before going to answer them.

Of course he was going to miss everyone. Even with calls and texts, it wasn’t the same as seeing them in person. But that was okay, too. It was  _ okay _ to miss them but still want to go out and find himself. He could always visit--of course he would visit! He’d definitely have to look around at those little novelty shops he had always heard about and get gifts for everyone at home…

What was tomorrow’s schedule? Driving. Lots of driving. According to his dad, most of Keystone consisted of fields and long stretches of road. Maybe he would pass a couple farms on his way through! His dad told him to watch out for any kind of farmer’s market or folk festivals going on. Apparently there was a lot of handmade stuff for sale at those places--what an experience  _ that _ would be! He felt giddy just thinking about it.

What else lay beyond Delmarva’s borders? It was that kind of thought that made Steven want to go on his country-wide trip. There was an entire  _ world _ beyond Delmarva, beyond Beach City, and he wanted to see it. Not just landmarks--he wanted to see what people would consider to be the most mundane things. He wanted to see the blocky signs for old shops and figure out how old the sign was by how yellow it was. He wanted to get lost in a town and look at how the roads swerve and coil. He wanted to see how chain store interiors differed from city to city. He wanted to try the food, hear the music, meet the people of each area.

Steven wanted to see what it meant to them to be human.

Steven switched his phone off, and the homescreen of him and the Crystal Gems faded to black. After a moment’s pause, he switched his phone back on, and the lockscreen of him and Connie appeared. A weary smile tugged at his lips.

To think that, just a few months ago, he was under constant duress, spiraling further and further into this nameless  _ thing _ until he became a monster. He felt like a completely different person now. His smiles were genuine, his optimism was a bit faded but no longer forced. His relationship with his father was stronger than ever. He was dating the girl of his dreams, his absolute best friend. His family, while sad about his departure, supported and loved him wholeheartedly. He was out on the road as a young adult to discover who Steven Universe really is. He was a teenager with depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and he was in therapy and on medication to treat it.

That was okay.  _ This _ was okay.

Steven looked out of the window and watched the crescent moon smile down at him. He smiled back.

Things were going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT GAMERS WE DID IT  
> i actually finished something for once what the fuck  
> also how did this fic get so popular?? what the fuck?? thank you guys so much for reading this,, all of your feedback, whether a comment or a kudos or a read, makes me more grateful than i can properly express  
> thank you so much for coming with me on this very personal journey, and to anyone else currently in recovery or looking to start: you are not alone here, and i wish you nothing but the best.  
> i'll be writing more su fics and stuff very soon (both single fandom and crossovers), so keep an eye out if you want more stuff like this!!  
> something something u can follow me on tumblr @ stygiuscantus if u wanna follow me yelling abt future fics n witchcraft
> 
> thank you all so, so much. <3


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